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I responded to a post the other day on a public domain that rhymes with Legs Wrist. It was for a freelance online movie reviewer for a website and it would pay up to $150 per posting. All you needed to do was write to the poster, state your interest, view 30 minutes of free footage, and then submit a review.

As an alum of distinguished (chortle, chortle) NYU Tisch’s screenwriting department that boasts many characters powering both the chorus line and the line at your nearest soup kitchen, I know me some movies. I be learned. Writing and movies are two of the two things I can do well.

So I wrote to the email address provided. Sent my credentials. Asked for the footage. And received a very professional response from an adult entertainment site. I would be reviewing pornography for money. And getting the perk of free porn. Free porn. Words. Money. All they have to do now is offer me food and we have pretty much all of my bases covered.

Of course I’m leaving out the part where I explain that pornographic movies make me more inclined to blush and giggle than go at myself with an itchy trigger finger. I am totally fine with porn and the industry, I feel more comfortable knowing that my three male roommates have smut as readily accessible as a roll of Charmin in the bathroom, but for my own personal intimate amusement I like to rely on the gyrations of my imagination instead of Jenna Jameson.

I was raised Catholic. I’m still convinced that I’m a stork baby. So needless to say I did have to wipe my hands on my pantlegs when choosing between Straight, Ass, Big Tit, MILF, Fetish, Creampie, and the rest of the menu options. 30 free minutes. One review. Money. Like a mantra.

I scrolled through the menu, looking over each offering like it was the salad bar at some smut buffet. It was between Handjob and Bondage. Don’t ask me why. I figured the former would be tame enough for me to remain objective, while the later would be so far out there that I could really let my expertise in expression shine. I mean, when selecting between Arab Street Hookers 3 and Grannies Givin’ Up Panties one has to think about which will have more engrossing content for an editorially successful review.

I decided that The Good The Bad And The Slutty #2 would probably be my best option, in truth this was because I liked the actress’ hair. I clicked on the link, below her exposed wares and uncomfortably jutting knees, and received a blank page. After clicking several times I figured that it wasn’t just my prudish computer but a deeper issue. Trolling my inbox I found the note welcoming me to the site, cyber-ink still wet on the screen. Below is our exchange thus far.

***
[Email]

Hello there!

My name is Cyndi a and I’m the WebMistress for SmutHut.

First of all, welcome! I think you’ll find this to be an interesting website that is truly like no other. As a reviewer, I’ve had wonderful experiences and have met interesting people.

So what does a WebMistress do? Well, it’s quite unlike an actual Mistress, more like a slave actually. I’m here to serve all of you, the writers! I’m nice, I promise.

If you are still waiting on your 30 minutes of free, steamy action (which can take a couple of days sometimes because of age verification), please feel free to review an adult movie you already own or submit a review on your favorite adult toy product. PLEASE NO MORE REVIEWS ON THE HITACHI HV250R MAGIC WAND. We know this is a remarkable product. So does the rest of the world with a pulse.

Truly, it is my joy to help you. Good luck, have fun, and if I can answer any questions, please let me know.

Now go and enjoy watching naked people have sex (for free!) and then write a review about it! Then cum hard, and cum back!

Thanks,
Cyndi
WebMistress of SmutHut

Check out my blog! Click here! http://***blog address removed ***

***
[Email]

Hi, Cyndi

I’m really looking forward to submitting my sample review to SmutHut, your site is quite expansive and has a really large selection of films to choose from. The only problem I’m having is accessing the 30 minutes. I’m looking to review The Good The Bad And The Slutty #2, featuring the sultry Audrey Bitoni. I’m sure that girl’s panties are like a sauna. I’d really like to utilize your offer for free 30 minutes because I have no movies on hand (no pun intended) and would like to submit a thorough and well-informed editorial. The only problem is, every time I click on the “Play Movie” option it goes to a blank page. Any suggestions?

All the best, and good luck with your blog.

Best,
Ainsley a.k.a. Hester Prynne

[Editor’s Note: I needed to come up with a nome de plume. I haven’t been feeling very creative of late, likely due to the recent influx of rejection letters from poetry publications and a dearth of calls from prospective employers. So I chose a go-to name that I figured would serve as both excuse and apology.]

***
[Email]

Hi Ainsley,

Thanks for your kind words!

Please direct all movie fulfillment questions to Jim; he can be reached at [*** email address removed ***] He is our tech support guru and can have your problem resolved much quicker than I could. He has been having a rough time, though, and is out of the office until next week. His dog Lucky died and he is really taking it quite hard. When you write him please do not include the words “dog,” “bone,” “hound” or “all fours.” I know this sounds silly — especially considering the fact that a lot of those words need to be included in the reviews he looks over! — but he is a great man with a big heart and it is very sad to see him upset. He will be back in on Monday, and I’m sure he will respond to your question then.

At any rate, please let me know if I can help further; I look forward to reading your work!

Thanks,
Cyndi
WebMistress of SmutHut

Check out my blog! Click here! http://***blog address removed ***

***

Okay. Well. Stay tuned for the next episode in my little work-free life, which, for this weekend, has the same amount of free porn as it has a steady paycheck.

[Editor’s Note: The image below, of said actress, was removed. ‘Cause her tits were hanging out.]

(She has nice hair.)

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