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the sky is not falling

[Write me a letter: AinsleyDrew at gee male dot calm]

The influx of work has once again slowed to a trickle, which means that it’s back to verbal bloodsport for me and my other hand. Keywords and phrases of recent arguments: entitlement, worry, melodramatic, I’m going to/why don’t you just move back to New York, really?!, you act like the sky is falling, and the tried-but-true fuck. I should do a tag cloud.

For those of you who didn’t see our tantrum both in Unthank Park as well as on the corner of Shaver, the conclusion came after my boyfriend and business partner was gently hit by a truck as he skated after me. We talked it out from a seated position, the conversation went nowhere, and I got so hungry that we decided to put the fight on hold while we went out for Mediterranean food.

He was okay. The truck didn’t hit him hard. Jesus Christ, that sounds insensitive.

I decided that there has to be a deeper psychological component to our word combat. I mean, we’re not actually crazy, even though he tells me I need to“see someone.” We’re in love. Really, we are.

So I used Google to try to find an explanation, a sentence that, in and of itself, should clue me in as to how far along shit creek my mental canoe has gone afloat.

Here was this little tidbit I dug up from the anals…annals of Psychology Today, my favorite magazine to read in the library of my high-school when I wanted to seem “smart”:

Couples fight about money more than any other issue. This is as true of couples who stay married as of couples who wind up divorcing. The main financial matters couples fight over include levels of spending and saving (since women tend to think men should make more, while men tend to think that women should spend less), the amount of time spent working, differences in long-term financial goals such as retirement savings, and money chores such as balancing the checkbook and paying bills. (Psychology Today Magazine, Nov/Dec 2004)

Considering that we have no money to worry about saving, spending, or balancing in any way other than in a neat stack of quarters on the bedside table for bus fare, I don’t think this article is appropriate. Moreover, we work together, and we love what we do, so “time spent working” isn’t an issue. Retirement, for everyone in this country and particularly for freelance artists, is basically on par with a unicorn-versus-narwhal dance-off. Ain’t gonna happen.

So. I suppose we don’t fight about money, though I’m no head shrinker. I think we fight ‘cause we want someone to give us a chance at a long-term gig, may it be corporate blogging or a company’s advertising copy and editing. And what adds to the short kids’ cage match is that we’re wholly poor, which makes us skip meals, and skipping meals makes us cranky. Two only children who are craving burritos and yet are forced instead to spend the afternoon together typing out compelling prose about bourgeoisie necessities such as vacation packages and software components? Yeah. Take two beta fish and toss them in the same bowl, dub over sound effects of hyenas ripping out each others throats. And that’s on a good day.
me
Since he thinks that we fight because I stress over money, I figure I have to get money for both of us in order to stop the endless fight. Money equals clients, in the grand scheme of things. I don’t know how to get clients — a gold lamé mini-dress, pleather stilettos, and a large thumb, perhaps — but I’m trying.

doubts

This morning I was still pretty keyed up, but I kept it to myself. My thoughts ranged from What does he know anyway? He at least has a part-time DJ gig to feed him to I don’t care about money, I wear the same clothes I did in high-school. Literally. It’s true.

Then I lost forty dollars on my way to the grocery store and the frenzied cycle of homicidal rage and abject terror that ensued — as well as the sudden, histrionic shift of the internal dialog — led me to believe that perhaps the boy is right. Maybe I do worry about money. Maybe I even, daresay, stress about it. Maybe I should see someone. And by someone I mean the kind folks at the local Food Stamp Office. Or a temp agency. Or my mom.

Adding to my generally apoplectic worldview is that I have no idea how to take the work we’re currently doing and apply it to the job hunt. One of our employers is at the helm of a sinking ship enterprise, and in response to a project we were sent an email about what we should be gearing our work towards. The meandering message and accompanying asinine images included MTV celebrities from circa 2000 as well as washed up socialites and the phrases like “we were ballin” and “he came threw and got laced.” [Editor’s Note: Yes, that spelling.] Scrolling through the suggested examples made me want to drink a liter of bleach and jump off of my roof. I couldn’t tell if it was serious.

Work.

Sometimes it feels like freelance work is a lot like high-school, only without the dewy hormone-induced glow that arrives every morning. I’m grateful to be in this with someone as pigheaded, confrontationally capable, and small as me. It makes for a delightful off-road spectacle, if nothing else.

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Check out the magick pronounced magic

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Will Work For Nearly Anything

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2 Comments

  1. I heard somewhere that you should do what you love and the money will come…I of course ignored this and hate every minute of the working day.

    Stick to your guns, someone will find you and something will work out.

  2. My brother used to do contract software work, like i do. He was between gigs, sending out resumes when he got a call out of the blue to look at someone’s Windows box. He got these alot, despite the fact that he turned them down. For no apparent reason, he didn’t turn it down, and has since been doing this full time. Delousing Windows boxes, mostly for small businesses. It has led to larger accounts, too. Windows may suck, but it’s steady income. And, to help his client along a little bit more, he wrote a book, Keep Your Computer Alive. I doubt his clients follow the advise in his book, but they keep coming back to have him do it for them.

    This is basically looking for a niche. Or, having it look for you. Does Adam Curry do the sort of thing you’re trying to do?


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