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[Note: If you, or someone you know, is looking for one or two freelance writers, for everything from cover letters to wedding vows, site copy or eulogies, editorial articles or whitepapers, letters of resignation from your crappy job or love letters to that girl across the hall, let me know. AinsleyDrew at gmail. Our rates are reasonable, unlike drunk ex-girlfriends.]

Seemingly Awesome Jobs That I Do Not Want



Comic book writer

Vasquez. Dirge. Valentino. Sfar. Ohba. Rugg and Maruca. Mizuno. I love graphic novels and comics of all varieties, but especially the ones for pouty teenagers who wear all black and spend their allowances at Hot Topic. (My inner child writes angry poetry, carries a metal lunchbox, and wears her Tool tee-shirt every day.) Why not apply my interest to my career? After all, I do have a degree in dramatic writing.

Because I am already broke, that‘s why. Most comic book writers get paid $500 for a script by small companies. $500 for a twenty-two page script would mean that a) I’d need to have two guaranteed deals a month in order to simply pay my bills and break even and b) I would basically be in the same position that I’m in now, only I likely wouldn’t have the freedom to consistently write in my own voice, with vagina jokes galore.

But in case you’re interested in panel-by-panel panhandling, check out the Comic Book Resources page.

Stripper

Where I grew up on Long Island, being a stripper was easy money. A few of my friends made a decent living at it, and actually seemed to enjoy what they did. They were able to afford regular manicures, they had funny stories to tell when out to lunch, and they looked forward to going to work, which, to me, is the most important part of any career. I figure that I like music, and I like dancing, and I like being naked. Getting a job as a stripper seems like a no-brainer.

Except most exotic dancers retire at 28 (that’s eleven months away for yours truly) and I get sleepy after midnight. When I’m sleepy I’m also cranky, and often say things like, “I‘m gonna eat your dick.” Dancing two or three three-hour long shifts, coupled with having to act as though I like strangers when I’m a natural misanthrope, topped off by the fact that ever since I started dating Simon I’ve had some severe difficulty when it comes to acting interested in anyone but him…well, I probably wouldn’t make it past the audition stage anyway. For one thing, I have the rhythm of a half-Jewish white girl who likes synthpop. Also, I have no bilateral symmetry. Unless you are looking at me as though I am a boy.

I must warn you, even if you don’t want to be an exotic dancer, if you check out Stripper FAQ you will lose half of your day to reading. Yes, reading the articles. Swear. The author, Kiko Wu, is a decent writer with a lot to share. Um. Yeah, that’s pretty much as expertly as I can put that.

Stripper Resource is great, too, but NSFW. Unless you work out of your home like I do. Then it’s just not safe for productivity.


Rock star

We can start with a role call:
Kurt Cobain
Sid Viscious
Andy Wood
Darby Crash
Layne Staley

I’m sober and a homebody. Even if I enjoy wearing my lingerie outside of my clothes, giving strangers the finger, and “expressing myself,” my lack of musical skills and enjoyment of things like cooking paella and reading Martha Stewart Living render this career option null and void.

I would gladly be Maynard James Keenan’s assistant, though. It’s close enough, I have the credentials, and he’d probably laugh at my vag jokes. Everybody wins.

Maynard James Keenan resources, ’cause “rock star resources” only exist in an open bar or concert venue.

Puscifer
Caduceus Cellars, Mr. Keenan’s foray into oenophilia. You can read his old Wine Spectator blog, or just buy the fruits of the fruits of his labor.
Tool

++++

I’ve been working on a submission packet, so today’s post was a sort of masturbatory list.

Happy Friday, get out and enjoy your weekend. I’m incredibly grateful to everyone who donates. The economy might be collapsing, but for those of us who are already poor, it’s just another day.

AinsleyDrew at gmail

For hire.

Boxers and briefs.

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One Comment

  1. Two Questions:

    1) Do you like wine?
    2) Have you tried Maynard’s wine? Holy fuck amazing. It will compel you to speak in a thick British accent with two hilarious ex-hippies and an Austin Powers cardboard cutout that likes to interrupt. And, eventually, it’ll get you laid.

    I will e-mail you back someday. I swear.


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