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Hey there. Ainsley here.

I’m in New York again, which is perplexing for those of you who know me beyond the screen, because I was here visiting roughly ten days ago. Well, this time I ventured east to help my mom out as she went for some medical tests to figure out why she has the appetite of Lindsay Lohan and the back pain of vintage Monica Seles.

When I wasn’t pretending that mom and I are walking through sets of Scrubs, I started my week-long gig guest editing for kottke.org. It’s absolutely the most fun I’ve ever had doing just about anything other than learning to masturbate, and it’s been somewhat humbling, too. Kind of like Poison’s first stadium gig, only without the spandex. And even though I’m under a tremendous amount of self-induced pressure to be perfect and impress everyone and have cyber-panties thrown at me, I realize that if I crumble and fail completely I could always go back to life before writing and live out my days as a secretary on Long Island, returning to Internet obscurity and pantyhose-clad battles with Xerox machines.

Let me stop here for a moment and put this disclaimer: This blog is about work. Looking for work, people who do interesting things for work, Ministry of Imagery‘s quest for world domination via freelance copywriting, etc. It’s a dialogue with the people who read it, and it makes me happy. So this post is a bit personal, but rest assured, I’ll go back to interviewing diet soda swilling sanitation workers and documenting my investigations into how to become a delicatue, disc jokey, or dog groomer next week. After Kottke.

Today, after scouring the Internet for things that made me go hmm, and learning that T-Pain does not use a vocoder in spite of what he sings, we found out that my mom has cancer in her liver. I share this only because I write to somehow or another validate my messed up little existence, and I blog because I’m an only child and demand an ungodly amount of attention. I do not do crises well. Currently I’m in whatever stage of grief it is where you think of the cancer like an unborn child. “Mom and her cancer are downstairs reading that new James Patterson book.” “I wonder if mom and her cancer want some chamomile tea.” “I hope mom and her cancer don’t mind that I’m blasting Pet Shop Boys.” Etc.

Working in an office never afforded me much of a feeling of connection. My coworkers were often very kind, but didn’t have much in common with yours truly. They drove minivans, were parents, enjoyed Celine Dion, and fantasized about visiting Vegas. There wasn’t much room for overlap with a tattooed, bisexual, alcoholic motormouth who, at the time, was pretty into slam poetry and Scottish techno-pop. The Internet is different. It is the “break room” I always wanted. So this is me, getting my Styrofoam cup of coffee, hoarsely telling you why this Friday sucks. It started with my car deciding that two of its cylinders needed to be replaced. Then it ended with my mother’s diagnosis. I’m not looking for sympathy, if I wanted that I could, you know, hang out with people in person or get hugged and sob uncontrollably in a Starbucks or whatever. I just feel more connected with those of you in the ether, because I know that this shit — and that’s what it is, it’s shit, it’s terrible and scary and awful — isn’t uncommon. I’m not the only one going through this, and I’m not the only one who has had a profoundly bad day.

So thank God it’s Friday. Have a great weekend, be safe, and I’ll go back to posting in relation to occupations in a week.

AinsleyDrew at the gmail one.

American Cancer Society’s page about The Emotional Impact of a Cancer Diagnosis

Mayo Clinic’s list of 10 tips for coping with a cancer diagnosis

A video of a kitten.

they did kottke

they did kottke

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5 Comments

  1. Good luck to your Mom, and to you. I hope fervently that everything turns out well.

  2. Man, that kind of news is horrible to hear. I’ll be thinking of you guys.

  3. Came here to say that you were, hands down, the best guest at kottke ever. Ever.

    Then saw about your mom. Sorry about that.

  4. So sorry to hear about all the suckiness. Sending lots of good thoughts your way…

  5. I love you, and am sending my thoughts and prayers to you and your family. :::hug miles deep:::


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